When I die and go to heaven

[phtlc]

So the way I figure it, we all have something to do in heaven, a job if you will. I mean some may be obvious. For example, if you were a singer on earth you will be part of heavens choir, and if you were a chef you will work in the heavenly kitchen. I imagine that since it is heaven we all get to pick our job. The only person that won’t have a job is The Idiot George Bush because even in heaven he probably won’t be able to do anything right.


The job I want when I get there is Personal Assistant to Saint Peter. For those of you who don’t know, Saint Peter is the guy who stands at the gates of Heaven with a big log book of your life. He reads through the book and then rather like a roman emperor he decides whether you get into heaven for eternal bliss or go to hell to be tortured in a burning lake of fire, screaming in unendurable mind-bending agony for an eternity. I figure that has to be the ultimate bouncers  job. I mean, you hold peoples eternity in your hands. Just the sense of ultimate power is delicious and I see all sorts of wonderful opportunities that can arise when Pete is not around. I mean he has to go to the bathroom like everyone else, and he must also take vacations, unless his union isn’t doing their job. That is where I will be guarding the gate unsupervised. Not only do I get to fuck around anyone I didn’t like, but more importantly all the hot looking chicks are going to have to earn their way past me. Regardless of how good they were I will nit pick through their life book for every little indiscretion and make a huge deal out of them, saying they are to be sent to eternal damnation. When they start crying and wailing in anguish at the verdict I can then say;

           
  “Well sweetheart……..just what are you willing to do for me to save your eternal soul? ”           . Shit I’m getting hard already.




To all you ladies start thinking real hard about how you will go about satisfying me. I already know what debaucheries your perverted little minds can conjure up so don’t expect that you can get past me just by putting out a little vanilla sex. Oh no…………you will redefine perverted debauchery with me when standing at the gate, and with your eternal soul at stake and don’t think you will have the balls to say no to me.

Oh yeah….definitely going to be his personal assistant. I just hope to fuck I die before Salma Hayek

[Quixote]

That is one of the sickest things I've ever read.  I like you.

[death2Uall]

*smirks*  Somehow, sir, I doubt that YOU are headed for the pearly gates in the first place.

Uh'm jus' sayin' . . .

:D

[Quixote]

You never know.  Maybe God is on our side and He's just been massively misquoted.

[phtlc]

That is one of the sickest things I've ever read.  I like you.

Come on.....admit it; if you had that job you would do the same thing!

[phtlc]

*smirks*  Somehow, sir, I doubt that YOU are headed for the pearly gates in the first place.

Uh'm jus' sayin' . . .

:D

I have been collecting dirt on Saint Peter for some time now. I will blackmail my way through the pearly gates....unless Pete wants God to know what a nasty boy he has been!

[Quixote]

I probably would. 

I was discussing heaven with someone the other night.  There has to be kinky sex.  Like I said to them, if I get to heaven and Bobbi Starr isn't there to deepthroat me, then what's the point of calling it heaven?

[Latent Slave]

No worries. I'll be in hell waiting naked if any of you do not make it through.

[death2Uall]

Oh, good . . . I'll have some company, then.

:D

[Quixote]

Tell Satan I sent you, Latent.  He'll put you in one of the cages in my room.

(That's three posts in a row of being obscene at Latent.  How I've missed it ...)

[phtlc]

Understand...hell means eternal orgasm denial.

[Quixote]

In the first circle of hell you are a barrista in an LA Starbucks, working a double shift.

In the second circle of hell you are trying to hail a cab in downtown Milwaukee on a snowy night at 2AM.

In the third circle of hell you are an operator on an AOL customer services helpline.

In the fourth circle of hell you are at a Barney the Dinosaur concert.

In the fifth circle of hell you are trapped in an elevator with Jerry Falwell and Ann Coulter, and they are making out.

In the sixth circle of hell you are Miley Cyrus's personal assistant.

In the seventh circle of hell you are sitting a final on Silas Marner that you need to pass, dying for a piss.

In the eighth circle of hell you watch Mary Kate and Ashley movies, over and over.

In the ninth circle of hell you are having sex with Margaret Thatcher.

Repent of your sins.

[Violet]

The 8th circle doesn't sound so bad... hey, those girls, after puberty and pre-anorexia, were hot!  Can just spend the entire time imagining them making out, or some sick perverted torture...

[Quixote]

Watching them for all eternity, eventually you would be forced to notice the unimaginable banality of what they were saying...

[Violet]

True...  But would I have physical disability in hell?  If so, I could just turn off my hearing aids and not hear them speak. ;-P
Anyway, I'm hoping I'll end up in Heaven!