i need some help

[just_a_victim]

i am a married woman. i have strayed from my marriage to find Masters. i have been trained and my last Master helped me introduce a little BDSM into my marriage. my husband has been willing to hurt me in some nice ways, but i can feel that he is only doing it because i like it. He has many lines he won't cross, and he doesn't understand my need to submit. He thinks i just get off on the pain,which is of course part of it but not all. i guess my question is can he be taught? Can i hope to have a good sex life with him or do i need to continue to serve other Masters?

[Sprayman]

Can he be trained?

That is a bit of a role reversal. The slave teaching the Master to be a - - Master!

I think that you will need someone else to try to teach him. I don't see any way that you could do it on your own, although you would certainly have to help to some degree. You can't be submissive and try to teach a Dom very much. It normally works the other way around.

Possibly getting another Master to try explaining it to your husband. And you will need to understand that some people are not Masters. They just are not 'dominant' material.

A Master that also has a lot of experience and is older than your husband might do well. Or a Master that has psychology training.

Hope that helps - at least a little.

[mothbrad]

I don't want to be too depressing, but this is an extremely difficult situation, as you probably know.  Many people are simply not into kinky sex (believe it or not) - at least, not in the lifestyle sense that you need.  A regular guy who is married is not going to take kindly to being 'trained' or having other people introduced into his marriage who are more experienced or better at giving his wife what she thinks she really needs, than he is.  It's a huge slap to the face.  If someone is not dominant, and never promised to be the 'master' in the relationship, then it's unfair to expect them to act that role, aside from the fact he's not going to do it well enough anyway, and you're going to get increasingly frustrated by his inability to 'keep you in line' and 'treat you appropriately'.

I don't have any advice as such, but the happiest compromise I ever heard of that came out of a situation like this was a woman I knew who had a wonderful husband who simply was not dominant, and he turned a blind eye to her having cyber relationships with dominant men.  It was something of an uneasy solution, and nobody was ever quite as happy as they should have been, but they made the best of being dealt a dud hand in life.  You need to decide whether the other things your husband gives you are more or less important than a completely satisfying sex life.

I wish you and your husband all the best.

[just_a_victim]

my husband tries really hard. He is willing to do anything i need, but he just doesn't understand. He hurts me in ways he is comfortable, which is better than nothing, but he can't get in my head. He doesn't understand my need to submit, be controled, and humiliated. He refuses to do anything like that. When i told him about a rape fantasy, he got really upset and wouldn't talk to me about it at all.
i feel bad because i'm sure this isn't what he bargained for. We otherwise have a pretty good life together. We've been together ten years this year, and we're only 28!
i guess i just wish there was a way to have everything.

[Dr Verloc]

just a victim wrote:

i am a married woman. i have strayed from my marriage to find Masters. i have been trained and my last Master helped me introduce a little BDSM into my marriage. my husband has been willing to hurt me in some nice ways, but i can feel that he is only doing it because i like it. He has many lines he won't cross, and he doesn't understand my need to submit. He thinks i just get off on the pain,which is of course part of it but not all. i guess my question is can he be taught? Can i hope to have a good sex life with him or do i need to continue to serve other Masters?

I doubt he can ever be "taught". You either like this sort of thing or you don't. I won't advise you on what to do, but I don't think there's much chance of turning him into the Master of your dreams. I'm sorry if this sounds a bit negative, but there it is.

Dr Verloc

[Sterling7]

My best suggestion is this.

I don't think you'll succeed if you try to get another "master" to show him the ropes (no pun intended)- I can't think of many things that would be less pleasant, or more embarassing, for most men than the implication that another man has to show him how to sexually please his wife.

That he doesn't want to humiliate or demean you is probably because he's basically a decent human being, and misguidedly thinks that the things you'd like him to do amount to abuse.

Be as clear as you can that, yes, this is what *you* want.  Introduce a safe word to make it clear to him that if things really weren't going how you desired you have the ability to stop them (even if you don't imagine ever using that ability.)  Add a role-playing element to your sex life; if your husband doesn't feel comfortable hurting and humiliating you as himself, per se, he might feel more comfortable if it "isn't him", but, say, a corrupt police officer or outlaw biker.  And be sure to let him know how much you appreciate the things he's done when the session is over.

If you're hoping for a 24-7 master-slave relationship with someone whose own sexual tastes run to the vanilla, I'm sorry to say you're almost certainly going to fail.  But hopefully things can be moved to a situation with which you're both comfortable.

Good luck.

[Alebeard]

This topic has actually come up several times over the years and I have very definite opinions on it
First, is there a spark, a core in him however small that likes this? If there is then the answer is yes
Then you want some honest help, and I th9nk finding the local BDSM community might be vital
Its often hard to hurt the one you love, so him playing with another bottom at first may help. if the spark is there it can be nurtured m if not, don't try and force it. instead find a way both your needs can be met

[sindyloo]

   Great advice!   yes try different things but keep him involved so his interest will grow.  And try to start out playful with him to spark his attention.  Make it a fun game at first.

   Like oppss sorry dear didnt do the dishes I need some spanking as I was a bad girl?!

  And once he sees that you like it and he can do this with out really hurting you then he will do it more.

[auburness]

I'm sorry, but I doubt you will be able to change him. Some people just cant function in a lifestyle we all seem to greatly enjoy. I was with my exhusband for 7yrs, five of which we were married, and we had been friends for 12. He tried his hardest to get kinky with me, but he always had his limits. I tried to reason with him and only play rough, or have a rape role play, once a month or so, but it was never enough for me. He did agree to bringing other men into the relationship to get some dp though, since he was bi as well. It was more the "causing pain" he couldn't deal with. Every person is different though, and some will be able to do things that others wont. Hope you two can come to a sort of agreement!

[Quixote]

People who just can't bring themselves to cause people they love to scream in agony are so strange ...

[auburness]

People who just can't bring themselves to cause people they love to scream in agony are so strange ...

I agree, especially when agony is ecstasy!

[Quixote]

It really is a shame there are so many weirdos out there who don't get it.

[Alebeard]

Vanilla people are just plain sick

[Quixote]

Amen.

Mind you, hardly anybody is completely vanilla, if you look deep enough.  I think, anyway.

[Dr_BuzzCzar]

Amen.

Mind you, hardly anybody is completely vanilla, if you look deep enough.  I think, anyway.

You never met my first wife...talking about trying to live two lives, boy was I stupid for trying to do that.