Jokes

[Sprayman]

The Pope died and went to heaven.
 
He was stopped at the gate by a sleepy watchman who asked him, "yeah, what do you want?"

 

The Pope thought, "Great! I do thirty years of Gods work to get stopped by this guy." Then he says "Look I am the Pope. I have done many years of good work."

 

The watchman (a Boatswain's Mate Second Class) says, "We ain't got no orders for you. Go get some rest and we'll see you in the morning." He then gives the Pope directions to an old World War II open bay barracks.  The Pope goes in to find all the lower bunks taken and the only lockers left have no doors.  So he throws his gear under his rack and goes to sleep.
 
The next morning the Pope is awakened by loud music and cheering. He runs to the window to see a long black limo with a US Navy Chief in the back smoking a huge cigar, hanging on to a mug of fresh hot coffee (could have been Jack & Coke) and with two beautiful blond angels hanging on to him.  The Pope is angry and goes to the night watch. He says, "I'm the Pope! I do thirty years of God's work at the Vatican only to see some Navy Chief that probably did everything imaginable a sailor would do and he get's treated like royalty!"
 
The watchman says, "Pope?  We get Popes every twenty to thirty years. This is our first ever Navy Chief."

[Sprayman]

Whatever you give a woman, she will make  greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a  baby.
 
If you  give her a house, she'll give you a  home.
 
If you  give her food, she'll give you a meal.
 
If you  give her a smile, she'll give you her  heart.
 
She  multiplies and enlarges what is given to  her.
 
So, if you  give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of  shit.

 

[Quixote]

Amen.  :-)

[Sprayman]

Subject: Cover All Your Bases




 
A man boarded an a irplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'

She turned, smiled and said, 'Business.  I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston .
 
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, with a Barbie-doll figure, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nympos.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are there?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.'

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba
 

[Violet]

Hahaa, funny :-)

[Quixote]

I fuckin love that joke!

[Sprayman]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'


'Good question', noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles. 'Oh', replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

 
'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?' 'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'

 
'I see!' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi', he went on, 'What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

 
'Here, too, we do not waste', answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

[Quixote]

Amen. 

Speaking of Jewish jokes (I'm Jewish and I love 'em!) - hope I haven't already posted this one:

Morty Levenstein was the richest man in town.  He was a successful banker and owned a lot of property.  But the economic downturn caught him by surprise and he was almost bankrupt.  The situation was desperate.  He decided to spend the day at the synagogue, praying for guidance, and God's help.  Driving to the synagogue in his Rolls Royce, he saw a local tailor named Saul, walking along.  He puller over and asked Saul where he was going.  When Saul said he was going to the synagogue, Morty offered him a lift.  As they drove, he asked Saul how he was, and Saul replied that things were not looking good.  "You see, Mr Levenstein, I was so short of money that I borrowed $200 from a loan shark, and although I am ok now, I owe him $500, with the interest, and I can't pay him back.  I'm terrified.  I'm going to the synagogue to pray."  Morty smiled.  "You know what, Saul, this is your lucky day.  I'm in terrible financial trouble.  I'm almost half a million dollars in debt.  Here," he said, and took out 5 one hundred dollar bills from his wallet and handed them to Saul, "it makes no difference to me.  I'm glad to help."  Saul was almost crying with joy as he accepted the money and thanked Morty profusely.  Morty pulled over and let Saul out, and then drove on to the synagogue.  He entered the place of worship, and prepared to pray.  Finally, he began, "And now, Lord, your undivided attention ..."

[Violet]

Great jokes!  Hehe

[Sprayman]

 A DAY AT THE BEACH 
 
 Goldie, a recently widowed lady, was sitting on a Florida beach near Venice. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes," he answered, continuing to read.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket on to hers,
tore off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of
her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?".

 

[Sprayman]

SUBJECT: "Budget Conscious" Home Security System

To install your "budget conscious"  home security system:

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of  men's used size 15-16
work boots.
 
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots & magazine.
 
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
 
Bubba,
 
Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Back in an hour. Don't
mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad.  I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard
to tell from all the blood.  Anyway, I locked all four of them in the
house.  Better wait outside...
 
Cooter

[Quixote]

I can see that working.

[Sprayman]

A teacher in a Detroit , Michigan kindergarten class asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.

 Little Tyrone stood up and said:
 
 "Up against the wall mother fucker!"
 
 I guess there's not too many farms in Detroit .....!!???

[Sprayman]

A woman went to her doctor for advice.



She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and
she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?"  the doctor asked.  "Actually, yes, I do" she said.
''Does it hurt you",  he asked?  "No. I rather like it!"  ''Well, then,"
the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice
anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get
pregnant."

The woman was mystified.  "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course",  the doctor replied.  "Where do you think politicians come
from?"

[Violet]

Nice ones Spray :)  Here's a couple a friend of mine sent me:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.


As the university terms start again, here is a guide to how exams are marked in different departments.
Dept of Statistics: All marks are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first mark that comes to mind.
Dept of History: All students get the same mark they got last year.
Dept of Philosophy: What is a grade?
Dept of Law: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a pass mark then the student will receive an A. Otherwise the student will not receive an A.
Dept of Computer Science: Random number generator determines mark.
Music Department: Each student must figure out his or her mark by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept of Theology: Final mark is determined by God.



Three women and three men are travelling by train to the rugby match.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men.
'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please .
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man.
'Watch and learn,' answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'
I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women.