Jokes

[Quixote]

Who is the ideal sex-partner for a sadistic necrophilic paedophilic zoophiliac?

A lamb kebab.

[mothbrad]

Too funny, Quixote!

[Quixote]

I used to use an excessively long version of that joke, where this guy admits to one thing after another, and finally gets asked "So what does all that mean together?" when I did amateur stand-up.

Tended to go down pretty well.

P.S.  I love open-mic night stand-up comedy.  The adrenaline.  I called it bungee-jumping for the lazy.

[mothbrad]

That's great - S&M stand up comedy!

Of course, now I'm hungry ...

[Quixote]

A blonde pornstar wants to break the world's largest gangbang record by fucking 1000 men, one after another.

She gets to man number five, and tells the director she needs to quit because she's too tired and sore.

She's very upset, and tells her friend, who is one of the fluffers, "I can't understand it.  The rehearsal went fine!"

[Dr_BuzzCzar]

Found this today

[Sprayman]

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old U.S. Army Sgt. Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sgt. Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sgt. Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.  Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sgt. Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious.  You really need to chill out!  I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sgt. Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not. It's only 2130 now."

[Emma]

omg! There is a real Mr. Potato head after all!!?

[Sprayman]

http://www.redtube.com/8006

[Dr_BuzzCzar]

OK, we're headed into the more heated version of our political election season. So there's no misunderstanding my political leanings, for the record I wouldn't piss on shrub if he was on fire. If political statements are inappropriate here, just let me know and in the future I'll refrain.

[Sprayman]

RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE
 
 One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the
 front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.
 
 I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
 On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old
 ladies
 lying naked on the lawn.
 
 This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to
 the Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying
 naked on your Front lawn?'

 'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes,
 - they're having a yard sale.'

[Quixote]

A doctor calls a man into his office to give him his test results.

"I've got good news and bad news for you.  First the bad news.  You have six months to live."

The man is desperate.  "Tell me the good news!"

"Well, do you remember the nurse you passed on your way in here?"

"Yes!"

"With the great tits?"

"Yes!"

"And the sweet ass?"

"Yes!"

"Well ..." 

The doctor leans in close.

"I'm screwing her."

[mothbrad]

Sorry for bringing the tone down with this one.

A blonde in a mini-skirt and stilletto heels walks into a bank and presents two fifty dollar notes.

"Can I change these for twenties, please?"

The bank teller looks closely at the notes, and shakes his head.  "I'm sorry, madam, but these notes are counterfeit."

The blonde looks up in horror and yells out, "Oh NO! I've been raped again!"

[Dr_BuzzCzar]

TOP 30 THINGS THAT YOU WILL RARELY HEAR A TRUE SON OF THE SOUTH SAY:

30. Oh I never would, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it stored on the C: drive.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
09. My fiance is registered at Tiffany's.
08. I have two cases of a full-bodied cabernet for the Super Bowl.
07. Checkmate
06. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
05. Why no, I've never seen an episode of "Hee Haw".
04. I don't have a favorite college team.
03. You Guys.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Bobbie Jo.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING:
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!

Edited to add: I'm a native Southron (an ante-bellum tag for southerner) so I'm very comfortable at poking fun at me and mine.

[Quixote]

Husband says "Tell me something that will make me feel happy and sad at the same time."

Wife says "You have a bigger cock than all your friends."