Jokes

[Violet]

Hehehehehe.

[Sprayman]

Subject: Let Him DIg




An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave,and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic,because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave, and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life? '

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'

Man!!! Women think of everything!!!.

[Sprayman]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,
because
he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay
with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning
with
his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened
to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him
all
night.

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing
-hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man
that
Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn... Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a
man's
man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eye d and bushy-tail
ed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what
happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob
into
bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.

Bob sat up and watched me all night."

[Violet]

Hahaa, love it.

[Sprayman]

THE WIFE, THE WASP AND THE DOCTOR   
 
 A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's private part. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor.

The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp. And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion.

So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he

begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigor.

The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?"

To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the little bastard!"
 

[Quixote]

Hehehe.  :-)

[Violet]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.  Preparing to write a check,she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.  When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....  Some asshole's got my pen!"

[Sprayman]

Excellent - that got a chuckle out of me.

[Sprayman]

A U.S. Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain
decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it
was "pleasure?"

A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.





An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his
state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge
of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure."

The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the Navy sailor

[Violet]

Hahaa, love it!


One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.  Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally  looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

 As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel  dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.  Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

 Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

 Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
 Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
 Live simply and appreciate what you have.
  Give more.
Expect less


 NOW .............


  Enough of that crap.  The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had  tried to bury him.  The gash from the bite got  infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

 MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
 When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

[Quixote]

Hehe.  Amen.  :-)

[Sprayman]

Very good Violet.

[Quixote]

True story:

Yesterday I bumped into a friend and he told me it was his birthday.  I asked him what he was doing and he said they were gonna go on a pub crawl, starting in a topless bar.  I was surprised but non-judgemental, and we chatted for a little while (at cross purposes) before he looked at me kinda funny and said:  "I said 'tapas'."  Possibly you had to be there, but it was pretty funny at the time.

[Sprayman]

I can see how it could be funny.

[Sprayman]

 
 CONSTRUCTION WORKER   
 
 There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said.

So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."