Jokes

[Sprayman]

COMA   
 
 A woman is in a coma. The nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lines, no pulse and no heart rate.

The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
 

[mothbrad]

Ha ha ha!

[Quixote]

That is one of the most disgusting jokes I've ever heard.

:-)

[Violet]

That is just awesome.

[Sprayman]

 
 
 THE SHOEBOX

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

 For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

[Violet]

Hehe, do love that joke.

[mothbrad]

Of all the places to hear the G rated version of that joke, I didn't think it would be here 

[Sprayman]

Sorry Moth - most of the jokes I post are sent to me as email. This one was sent by a granddaughter who is 17. Her mother wouldn't allow her to send any other version. LOL

Please note I didn't say she didn't know any other version.

[Quixote]

Hehehe.  :-)

[Sprayman]

The South Dakota Ghost

This is too good not to read, especially if you thought ghosts didn't exist! This happened about a month ago just outside of Stoughton, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him
and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped into the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Stoughton .

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).


About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot dat rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in da rain!"

[Violet]

Hahaaa!  Love it.

[Quixote]

Chilling ...

[Sprayman]

 It's Hell to be Old 
   
 
OLD people  have problems that you haven't
even considered yet! 
     
An 85-year-old man was requested by his 
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his  physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a  jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen  sample
tomorrow.' 

The next day  the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the  jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the 
previous day. 

The doctor  asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing.   Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.. 

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with
 her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. 
 She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
 then with her teeth out, still  nothing. 

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
 and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
 armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
 her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your 
neighbor?'   
   
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.'

[Violet]

Hehe.

Better than a Flu Shot!   

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.  She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.  One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.  She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a glass bowl sitting on top of it.  The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!  When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?  I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.  The directions said To place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.  And do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!'

[Sprayman]

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a
new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top
of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and
produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted
'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the
effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just
fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the
results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have
these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those
aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'