Jokes

[Quixote]

:-)

I always liked that joke.

[Quixote]

Somebody sent me this.  Not laugh out loud funny, but *so* true ...

> At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and said: 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
>
>
> In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating that if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
>
> 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
>
> 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
>
> 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
>
> 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
>
> 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
>
> 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
>
> 7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
>
> 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
>
> 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
>
> 10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
>
> 11. When all else fails, you could call ' customer service ' & be instructed how to fix your car yourself!!!!

[Violet]

Hahaa!! 



A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how
many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

[Quixote]

I hadn't heard that one.  Nice!  :-)

*doesn't mention Spray, sneaking up behind her ...*

[Sprayman]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. 

 The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
 

 This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about 

 men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Sprayman]

  It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students
have   
  >  turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.
All   
  the

  >  children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early

  >  dismissal.

  >

  >  Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly
can
  >  leave early today."

  >

  >  Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm

  smart

  >  and will answer the question."

  >

  >  Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

  >

  >  Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

  >

  >  Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

  >

  >  Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

  >

  >  Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

  >

  >  Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

  >

  >  Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

  >

  >  Johnny is even madder than before.

  >

  >  Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

  >

  >  Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

  >

  >  Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

  >

  >  Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of

  the

  >  questions.

  >

  >  When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches

  would

  >  keep their mouths shut!"

  >

  >  The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

  >

  >  Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"


 
 

[Quixote]

That is fucking hilarious.  :-)

[Sprayman]

A San Francisco Love Story

 

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing  that?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine."

 

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it???

[Emma]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. 

 The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
 

 This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about 

 men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

That was fucking funny!!

[Sprayman]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."

"What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

[Eggert]

LOL... Great way to begin a new years day morning..

[Quixote]

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep on a leash.  His wife is in bed, reading a book.  He says "This is the cow I fuck when you have a headache."  His wife says "If you weren't a fucking moron, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."  The man replies "And if you weren't a presumptuous bitch, you'd realise the sheep is the one I was talking to."

[Sprayman]

Very good Quix - that got my day off to a good start.

[Sprayman]

 Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
 

[Sprayman]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'