Jokes

[Quixote]

Hehehehe.

Can't remember if I said this already, but what the hell.

About a month before my gradfather died, we covered his back in lard, and after that he went downhill quite rapidly.

[Sprayman]

PREGNANT AT 71 

 A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

 

 The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard...

 

 "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded.  "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

 

 The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
 

 

 

 

[Quixote]

... can't ... stop ... chuckling ... :-)

[Sprayman]

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor..
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
(I just turned 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much...
My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.   

 He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
 

 

 

 
 
   
 

 

 



 

[Violet]

Hehe, so true.

[Quixote]

It's not the years in your life, it's the life in your years.

I love glibness.

[Sprayman]

A man  walks into a restaurant with a full-grown  ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for  their orders.

The  man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and  turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. 

A short time later the waitress returns  with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and  the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out  the exact change for payment.

The next  day, the man and the ostrich come again and the  man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' 

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' 

Again the man reaches into his pocket  and pays with exact change.

This becomes  routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?'  asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday  night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and  a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the  ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the  order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' 

Once again the man pulls the exact  change out of his pocket and places it on the  table.

The waitress cannot hold back her  curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do  you manage to always come up with the exact  change in your pocket every time?' 

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago  I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered  me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever  had to pay for anything, I would just put my  hand in my pocket and the right amount of money  would always be there.'



'That's  brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people  would ask for a million dollars or something,  but you'll always be as rich as you want for as  long as you live!'

'That's right.  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,  the exact money is always there,' says the man.. 

The waitress asks, 'What's with the  ostrich?'

The  man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish  was for a tall chick with a big ass  and  long legs who agrees with everything I  say.'

[death2Uall]

Heeheehee . . . that reminds me of one I read just a couple days ago.

There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a tiny little man, no more than a foot tall, playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.

So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says, "Before you get your drink, rub this lamp; it makes interesting things happen."

"Okay," says the guy.

He picks up the lamp and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says, "I shall grant you one wish."

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

He yells at the barman, "Hey, I didn't want a million ducks!"

The barman replies, "You think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"

 

[Violet]

Hehe, good ones.

[Sprayman]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.  "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.  "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.  "Love dress? But you're naked!"  "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.   He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.  Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. 
 
"What are you doing?" he asked. 
 
"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually. 
 
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

[Quixote]

Hehehehehe.

[Violet]

Hahaaa!

[Violet]

Political Quotes

"I resent your insinuendoes."
"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."
"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."
"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."
"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility."
"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."
"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."
"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."
"Let's do this in one foul swoop."
"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."
"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
"I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."
"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."
"I hate to confuse myself with the facts."
"We have a permanent plan for the time being."
"Family planning has many misconceptions."
"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."
"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."
"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."
"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."
"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."
"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."

[Quixote]

I always thought modern politics is best summed up by the image of two candidates having a debate.  One says "You're lying!" and the other one says, "Yes I am, but hear me out."

[Sprayman]

Which brings up the old cliche:

How can you tell if a politician is lying? Look to see if their lips are moving!