Jokes

[Sprayman]

Excellent - heard it before but still excellent!

[Dr_BuzzCzar]

Husband says "Tell me something that will make me feel happy and sad at the same time."

Wife says "You have a bigger cock than all your friends."

That's excellent. I was trying to recall i f I had seen/read/heard that one before. I don't think I have. Thanks.

[Sprayman]

A wife who understands her place in life!

[Sprayman]

 
Underwear Dust . . .

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.  Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. What the heck is this? he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied . . .'It's not talcum powder......It's Miracle Grow!

[Sprayman]

 
 Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot
 girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.
 
 One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll
 give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
 
 The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
 
 Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
 bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
 
 She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
 boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation.
 
 Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really
 fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
 
 She agreed and accepts the proposal.
 
 Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still wait ing for his
 girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and
 asks, 'What happened...?'
 Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all dimes!'
 
 Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's
 entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed. 
 

[mothbrad]

Sprayman, I'd heard that one before, but not with the management advice!  Nice one.

[Dr_BuzzCzar]

All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of
yesterday.

A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while
Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as Heck ain't doin'
it to Alabama.

[Quixote]

I hadn't heard that last one, Spray.  And I love it.

And that last one from Dr Buzzcar is also very groovy.

Reminds me of the story, after 9/11, about the stupid vigilantes breaking into dog-pounds and murdering all the afghans.

I suppose in America instead of "stupid", you'd use the word "Southern."

[kimbra_ailis]

Kiwi or Aussi?


So how can an Englishman tell anAussi and a Kiwi apart? They both look and sound the same (to him). The test is: you line them up together and ask them a little question....."What do you think about sex with a six year old?"

The Kiwi will recoil in horror and say "you're sick"

The Aussi will ask "With a six year old what mate"

[kimbra_ailis]

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[kimbra_ailis]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired,
'Why the spoon?''
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.
'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'
I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.' 

[kimbra_ailis]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: - $1.50.
Chicken Sandwich: - $2.50.
Hand Job: - $10.00.
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am"
The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

[kimbra_ailis]

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers which had been answered.
A lady stood up and came forward. She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband Jim had a terrible motorcycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they crossed their legs and imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I would just like to tell my darling wife, the fucking word is 'sternum'."

[kimbra_ailis]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked,  'Do you know her?'  'Yes,' I sighed, 'she’s my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

 

And then the fight started.....
 

 I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
 He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
 
 So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

 

And then the fight started... . ....................................................................

 
 A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'  And then the fight started.....
 
 .............................................................
 
 After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
 
 I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
 
 The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
 
 So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.  She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
 
 When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
 
 She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability allowance too'
 
 And then the fight started.....   

[kimbra_ailis]

Two guys sneak into a farmer's fruit garden and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want," said the farmer.
The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer.
The farmer says,"now shove em' all up your ass."
The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then e starts to laugh.
"Why you laughing?" asked the farmer.
To which the man replied, "My friend is out picking watermelons!"