Jokes

[Emma]

that was funny!

[Sprayman]

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called  'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the  effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob..'

Over the  course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.             
 
After  fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.             

'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
 
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'             

[Dr_BuzzCzar]

That's a good joke. I'll try to remember it (hopefully). The spacing was a bit haywire at first so I took the liberty of cleaning it up some.

[Sprayman]

Sorry about that Doc. My phone rang as I posted the joke and I didn't check what was posted. Instead, I just closed the website and went to answer the phone.

[Emma]

that gave me the most horrid visual image in my mind.. hehe  step away from the knob!

[Sprayman]

A Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the Serviceas all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter...
When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist....’

The priest fainted.

[darknessmonger]

I found this explanation to the story codes..

The Abbreviated and Extremely Helpful Problematic Story Codes FAQ

mf   Characters make noncommital noises
mmmf   Characters attempt to speak while gagged
anal   Contains psychoanalysis
best   A Golden Clitorides winner
cbt   Contains single combat
cons   Sex between inmates
copr   Story is copyrighted
dom   Page markup uses the W3C Document Object Model
enem   Sex between enemies
Fdom   Features the science fiction or comic book fandom communities
hum   Humiliation
hum   Humor
hum   Hummus
hum   Hum-Vs
inc   Office sex
interr   Character is buried alive
ir   Night-vision goggles
lac   Synonym for nosex
mc   Author has lyrical skillz
nc   No children
nopen   Typewritten story
nec   Milder version of pett
ped   Foot fetish
rape   Characters use rapeseed oil as lube
rim   Contains slam-dunking
rom   Features simulated arcade games
sad   Unhappy ending
scat   Characters sing with nonsense syllables
slash   Knifeplay
sm   Characters are modestly endowed
snuff   Characters inhale tobacco
span   Spanish-language story
tort   Features liability law
veg   Contains catatonic characters
viol   Contains classical musicians
voy   Extended travel

[Dr_BuzzCzar]

Thought ya'll might  get a kick out of this. Too bad it doesn't have a date, but hippies/ Where do they see hippies?

[charmbrights]

Thought ya'll might  get a kick out of this. Too bad it doesn't have a date, but hippies/ Where do they see hippies?

It is alleged to be circa 1965.

[Emma]

maybe due to the lack of shaving in the 60's?

[Sprayman]

Wife -     "Where the heck have you been?  You said you'd be home by     noon!"


Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey...but you probably don't     want to hear
the reason."


Wife - I want the truth, and I want     it NOW!'


Husband - "Fine.  We finished in under 4 hours,     quick beer in the
clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been     here at 12 on the
button.  On the way home, I spotted a girl half     our age struggling
with a flat tire.  I changed it in a jiffy,      and next she's offering
me money.  Of course I refuse it - Then she     tells me she was headed to
the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop     so she can buy me a
beer.  She's such a sweetie, I said yes.      Before you know it - one
beer turned to three or four, and I guess we     were looking pretty good
to each other.  Then she tells me she has a     room at the Sheraton less
than 50 steps from our table.  She     suggested we get some privacy while
pulling me by the hand.  Now I'm     in her room....clothes are flying
......the talking stopped....and we     proceeded to have sex in every way
imaginable.  It must have gone on     for hours, because before I know it
the clock says 5:30.  I jumped     up, threw my clothes on, ran to the
car, and here I am.      There.  You wanted the truth....you got it."


Wife -     "Bullshit.  You played 36 holes, didn't you!"

[Sprayman]

Irish Alzheimer's

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday  & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church  in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up  with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to  Mass.What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be  honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really,  really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I  knew he came to church every Sunday . I also knew that he had to take off his  hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I  was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well,  Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your  mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I  heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to  steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave  Murphy a big smile & said;"After I talked about ' Thou Shalt Not  Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in  Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head.  "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery 'I  remembered where I left me hat."


 

[Sprayman]

Scrabble...

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.

‘P N E S I’

Look below for answer.

People who wrote ‘SPINE’ became doctors...
The rest are all my family and friends...

[Sprayman]

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:




"Windows frozen."


Husband texts back:


"Pour some luke warm water over it."


Wife texts back:


 

"Computer completely fucked now."


 

[Sprayman]

A   husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be The Man of   Your House”.

Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed   into the kitchen and announced to his wife,

"From   now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the   'Law.'

 

You   will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done   eating my meal,

you   will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert.   

 

After   dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I   want!

 

Afterwards,   you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You   will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my   robe.

 

You   will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I   can sleep like a baby.

Then   tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"



The wife   replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have your ass   cremated."