Jokes

[kimbra_ailis]

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV.
"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm going? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!"

[kimbra_ailis]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.

[kimbra_ailis]

A young Florida football player was viciously attacked by a pit bull while practicing with a friend in his yard one warm September afternoon. His friend witnessed the bloody attack and quickly inserted the blade of his stick between the dog and its collar. With a snap of his wrist, he broke the dog's neck and saved his friend from certain death.

A local reporter, driving by the field saw what happened and quickly parked and attended to the 2 boys. He immediately began writing a story for the newspaper. Scribbling furiously, he penned, "Local Buccaneers fan saves pal from vicious dog". The young lad who saved his friend commented that he was not a Buccaneers fan. The reporter changed the headline to "Local Dolphins fan saves friend from vicious dog".

The young lad again explained that he was not a Dolphins fan but a fan of the New York Jets. The reporter stared in disbelief at the child hero and after some time, changed the headline to read, "Dirty little Yankee bastard from New York murders beloved family pet."

[kimbra_ailis]

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.
Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts.
True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99.............
...and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.
The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!"

[kimbra_ailis]

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

[kimbra_ailis]

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

[kimbra_ailis]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance' is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the crate!" 

[kimbra_ailis]

It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out.
The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass"
The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass."
Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."

[kimbra_ailis]

A man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark.
A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed. He measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!"
Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you ARE mistaken."

[kimbra_ailis]

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[kimbra_ailis]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

[kimbra_ailis]

A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"
"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"

[kimbra_ailis]

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a
Pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall
The events of  the preceding evening.  After a trip to the
Bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where  his wife put some
Coffee in front of him.
 
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it
As bad as I think?"
 
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a
Complete ass of  yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the
Entire board of directors and  you  insulted the president of
The company, right to his face."
 
"He's an idiot," Bob said. "Piss on him!" 
"You did," came the Reply.  "And he fired you."
 
"Well, screw him!" said Bob.
"I did. You're back at work on
Monday."

[kimbra_ailis]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven ?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh.
I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the
problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and
there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home ?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.

[kimbra_ailis]

NEVER CHEAT ON A HILLBILLY WOMAN!

A hillbilly's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with
another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting

firewood, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the
tool shed out back of the barn.

She put his tally-whacker in a vise and then secured it tightly and removed
the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.


The banged up hillbilly was terrified and hollered, 'Stop! Stop!

You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?'

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's

hand and said, 'Nope.. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to
town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want.