Jokes

[death2Uall]

The Liberal and The Genie

A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share." The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports car." "O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

[Sprayman]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?
 
 "Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.
 
 "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?
 
 "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.
 
 "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?
 
 "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[Quixote]

Classics.  :-)

I know a different version of the genie joke.  It's a guy who got fired by his boss, who also stole his wife etc.  Whatever he asks for in the three wishes the former boss gets double.  Last wish "Beat me half to death."

[death2Uall]

Republicans in Hell

While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up.   What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.   In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people.   They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Republican head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the Republican head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.  Today you voted for us!"

[Violet]

Hahaa, was in need of a good chuckle.

[Sprayman]

A man asks the store clerk, 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
 
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'
 
The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.'
'But let me ask you something.' 'If I had asked for Italian sausage,
Would you ask me if I was Italian?'
 
'Or, if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I
Was German?'
 
'Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'
 
'Or, if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'
 
'If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'
 
The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't have.'
 
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I
Asked for Polish sausage?'
 
The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot.'

[Violet]

A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.



A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.



However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:



"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.



"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."



Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."



Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.

[mothbrad]

Thanks Violent - a good laugh for a lazy Saturday!

[Sprayman]

How you know when love fades:
 
A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his
wife's voice from the kitchen: "What would you like
for dinner, Love?  Chicken, beef or lamb?"
 
He said, "Thank you; I'll have chicken."
 
She said  "Fuck You. You're having soup. I was talking to
the cat."

[Sprayman]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem .  While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150."  The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.   
 
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend  only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.  I just can't take that chance."

[Sprayman]

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.

One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar…  The Alcoholic, hearing the
loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.  His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a
shot of whiskey.  No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."   

 

[Sprayman]

EVER  SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED 

AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems.  Every time

I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm  scared.  I think I'm
going crazy.'

 'Just put yourself in my  hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk

to me three times a week  and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

 'How much do you  charge?'

 'Eighty  dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

 'I'll  sleep on it,' I said.

 Six months later the doctor met me on the  street. 'Why didn't you come to 

see me about those fears you were  having?' he asked.

 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week   for a year is an awful lot

of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was  so happy to have saved all

that money that I went and bought me a new   pickup!'

 'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how,  may I ask, did

a bartender cure you?'

 
'He told me to cut the legs  off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

 
FORGET THE  SHRINKS..

[Quixote]

Reminds me of something from Terry Pratchett.  He's describing the difference between this very wise old witch, and a psychiatrist.  Says that if the same man came to both of them complaining that he was terrified he was being chased by an 8-foot-tall hideous ogre, the psychiatrist would try to convince the man the ogre didn't exist, and the witch would give him a big stick, and a chair to stand on.

[Violet]

I returned to my parents' home to attend a funeral. At the temple, my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar. "Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?" she asked as she left me in his company.

I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He was the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother's funeral. "It's good to see you again, Rabbi," I said. "Though I wish it weren't always under such tragic circumstances."

The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother.

"Imagine,"she whispered, "after all this time, to run into the rabbi who performed your wedding!"

[Sprayman]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.  He gives the young boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied.   Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.  After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No, IRS"