Jokes

[Sprayman]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.


The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you re member about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? .

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!  God loves drunk people too.”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

[Quixote]

I'm going to tell that to everyone I know, just to hear the groans.  :-)

[Sprayman]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to  look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,

'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the
day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started
dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to
prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today

[Quixote]

Some humour stolen from oglaf.

"If God hates masturbation so much, he should give me a girlfriend."

"Don't fear God's love.  He hasn't gotten anyone pregnant in 2000 years."

"I've suddenly lost interest in porn, and gained an interest in cleaning up jizz."

All three made me chuckle.  :-)

[Sprayman]

 
 
 
 
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,

when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the

bus:


1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.


 

2. An old friend who once saved your life.


 

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there

could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue

reading.


 

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part

of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is

going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take

the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be

the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able

to find your perfect mate again.


 

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................


The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble

coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car

keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I

would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'


Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn

thought limitations.


Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'


 

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put

her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her hospital visit anyway,

have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car,

then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.


 

 

God, I just love happy endings!
 
 

[Quixote]

How about me and the old friend double-team her?  If she's my perfect mate, she'll be down with that. 

And the old lady will die of shock while watching.  Kinky.

[Sprayman]

GIVE CREDIT WHERE ITS DUE!

 

Gotta love Italians, very inventive!!!

A Greek and Italian were talking one day discussing
who had the superior culture.

Over coffee the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
The Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics"
The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire ."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end
the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies,
"That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

BA  DA  BING!!!

[Sprayman]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person and tell them to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[Violet]

Hehehehe.

[Sprayman]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
 
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
 
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  Her natural beauty took his breath away.
 
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
 
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother!

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[Quixote]

I know I say this a lot, but hehehehehehe!  :-)

[Sprayman]

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your blinding headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
______________________________

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[Violet]

Hahaa, love it!

[Sprayman]

9 months later!!!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'


'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,  'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'



 

[Sprayman]

   My  Dear Wife,
   
   You  will surely understand that I have certain needs that you,  being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy  with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after  reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly  interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my  18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't  be upset----
   
   I  shall be home before midnight.
   
   When  the man came home late that night, he found the following  letter on the dining room table:
   
   
   
   My  Dear Husband,
   
   I  received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my  being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to  remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a  math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you  that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with  Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis  coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18  years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent  knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same  situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into  54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will  not be home until sometime  tomorrow