Jokes

[Sprayman]

A thread where you can post your favorite jokes!

[Sprayman]

I'll start it off.



TWO GUYS IN LOWE'S

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around
Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife
look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'

Most Old timers are helpful like that!


 
Get trade secrets for amazing burgers. Watch "Cooking with Tyler Florence" on AOL Food.

[Sprayman]

And another.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pt4tU4M7O2s

[Quixote]

Cool.  Both of them.

I know too many bad jokes.  Used to do stand-up ... um ...

A man goes to a brothel on payday, but he's already been out drinking all night, and he only has five bucks left.  Says to that Madam "What can five bucks get me?"  She leads him to room at the end of a long corridor.  He goes inside and there's this chicken on a bed, clucking.  He's so drunk and horny that he fucks the chicken.  Goes home.  Next month, payday comes around.  He ends up getting drunk again.  By the time the brothel seems like a good idea, he only has ten bucks.  "What can ten bucks get me?"  Madam leads him to a room.  There are a few armchairs facing a big window.  The window is one way glass, and people sitting in the armchairs can see into the room beyond, where a man is having a threesome with two hookers.  He sits down in an unoccupied armchair and like the others there, pulls it out and begins to jerk off.  Turns to the guy next to him and says happily, "Not bad for 10 bucks."  The guy says, "This is nothing.  Last week we saw some guy fuck a chicken."

[Sprayman]

Very good Quix - liked it!

[Sprayman]

 
 
 
 
 

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.  We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,   

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 



My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'


We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day   .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'




 


My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 
 
 
 






 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

[Sprayman]

Turner Brown
 

A skinny little white guy gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this
     Huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at
him, looks down, and says:
‘7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.’ The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says:
‘What’s wrong with you?’
In a weak voice the little guy says:
‘What EXACTLY did you say to me?’
The big dude says:
‘I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me:
‘I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch dick, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.’
The small guy says:
‘Turner Brown. . . . Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, ‘turn around.’









     

 
 

[alexiew]

 One day, a fairy visits a lonely widow and says that she is there to give her three wishes.

''I wish I was 21 and beautiful!'' The wish is instantly granted.

''I wish I had a million dollars!'' The wish is granted.

''I wish that my cat here were the most handsome guy in the world and was madly in love with me.'' The wish is granted. The now young lady and her man go inside. They start to cuddle, and the man looks at her.

''Aren't you upset that you had me fixed?'' 

[Sprayman]

  Many children
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
She finally died after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
‘Lord, they’re finally together.’
 
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
‘Do you think he means her first,second or third husband?  ‘
               
The friend replied, ‘ I think he means her legs.’

[Sprayman]

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food
anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we cou ld charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

[Sprayman]

Bruce and Jenny

•   Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in
> love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to
> Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.
>
> Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, ‘Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
> and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.’
>
> Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, ‘Well
> Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?’
>
> Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, ‘In Jenny’s
> room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.’
>
> Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
> Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll
need
> to
> support Jenny.’
>
>
> Again, Bruce instantly replies, ‘Our allowance. Jenny gets five bucks a
week
> and I get 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month and that should do
> us just fine.’
> Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. ‘Well
Bruce,
> it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more
> question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of
your
> own?’
>
> Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, ‘Well, we’ve been lucky so far.’
>
> Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

[mothbrad]

Sprayman, just a general thanks for giving me a good laugh on a Saturday morning after a very late night!

[Sprayman]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
 

NICKNAMES
  If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
  If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
  When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
  When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
  A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
  A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she  doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
  A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a  towel .
  The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these  items.

ARGUMENTS
  A woman has the last word in  any argument.
  Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
  A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
  A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
  A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
  A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a  book, and get the mail.
  A man will dress up for weddings and  funerals.

NATURAL
  Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
  Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
  Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about  dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
  A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[Emma]

Thats funny.. and quite scarily on target in many ways.

[Dr_BuzzCzar]

Hopefully this print isn't too small to read. I don't recall where it came from, maybe Ehowa.com, not sure.